Positive Reinforcement
I find it funny that when people want to get a stranger to do something for them, they usually try to be super nice when they ask for it. And if they get what they wanted, they thank the helpful stranger profusely, promise to repay in kind, and shower them with praise and compliments.
On the other hand, when they need something from a close one (a spouse, a son/daughter, etc…) they try to get it by being downright nasty and hurtful. When they get it, they get ever more nasty complaining that it was not done fast enough, well enough and etc… And the close one fulfilled the request in the most desirable, perfect way, they pull out the old insult disguised as praise: “how come you couldn’t do it this way the last time!”
Phrases such as “thank you” and “I really appreciate this” are really important. If you want to elicit specific behavior, use them combined with a smile, and you will be surprised how well will they work. On the other hand, if you want to pick a fight, and make yourself feel superior by poisoning your loved ones’ life with hateful resentment, go ahead and nag.
I think most naggers will agree with me, that their technique is far from perfect. Usually people build up immunity to it really quickly, and either shut you off while rolling their eyes, or start nagging back. So every time you need to increase your nag strength and frequency just to get the same results. It’s a vicious cycle.
But there is a better way. It’s called positive reinforcement. You reward desired behavior, and completely ignore the undesired stuff. It works - that’s exactly how you train animals to do circus tricks. And that’s how you can train your loved ones to do your bidding.
The linked article talks about “training” your spouse, but it is a good advice for everyone. Positive reinforcement works because it is beneficial both for you and the person you try to influence.
Nagging sends mixed messages. It is very easy to mistake it for personal attack or venting. The person on the receiving end may feel hurt, unappreciated, put down and etc. When you nag, you usurp a dominant position in the relationship, and try to bully others into submission by torpedoing their self esteem. People who find themselves on the receiving end of nagging usually just get angry and/or resentful instead of thinking about correcting their behavior.
But if you use positive reinforcement, the message is crystal clear. You communicate that behavior x pleases you, and you are willing to reward it. Just the way you would reward a stranger for doing you a favor. Instead of forcing a dominant/submissive type relationship, you build up their self esteem and create a feeling of partnership or comradeship.
Everyone likes to be praised, complimented and shown appreciation. Exploit this, and you will usually get what you want in a relationship.
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