Spider-Man 3

Yesterday I watched Spiderman 3, completely ignoring the warnings of friends, relatives and every single blog and review site that reviewed that movie. I knew the movie was pretty bad – I had no illusions about it. I went in with very low expectations but nothing could prepare me for the horrible, horrible spectacle I witnessed.

To give you an idea of how bad this movie was I will use an analogy: original Spiderman movie is to Spiderman 3 like the original MST3K is to the new flash MST3K cartoon. Some movies are so bad, they become good again. This one, speeds past that threshold of silly campiness and ends up in the realm of unspeakable horror.

And this is not just a “comic book guy” rant. The genesis of Venom is a long and complex story that starts with an event that happened on the Battleworld in Secret Wars. It’s impossible to tell it truthfully in a movie. I get that. I didn’t expect it to happen this way, and that whole meteorite thing is actually not the worst way of introducing the symbiont. Whatever.

It’s everything else that makes this piece of crap unwatchable. I think, that problem number one is the sheer amount of plot that has been squeezed into mere 139 minutes. There are at least 4 distinct stories here, each of which would deserve it’s own full movie to explore fully:

  1. Harry Osborne’s vendetta against Spiderman
  2. Alien symbiont bonding with Peter Parker and it’s effect on him
  3. Rejected symbiont bonding with Eddie Brock to create Venom
  4. Sandman

Don’t you think this is bit much? I mean, why don’t we bring Ben Reilly into this story as well. Cause it’s not complicated enough! I really think that the symbiont itself is more than enough to fill a whole movie – without even bringing Eddie Brock and Venom into the picture. Venom is such an awesome supervillain that making him one of 3 main antagonists is doing him a great disservice.

Speaking of disservice, who he hell decided to cast Thoper Grace as Eddie Brock? Eddie was a mountain of a man who towered over Parker:

Eddie Brock and Spider-Man

Casting the skinny kid best known for his role as a whiny dork on That 70’s Show makes as much sense as casting Tobey McGuire as Peter Parker… Oh, wait.. Never mind. It kinda makes sense in that Spiderman the Movie odd parallel universe. I think can live with it. Seriously, I was really trying to suppress the little comic book guy raging inside my head. And then they pull out Gwen Stacy out of their ass. And not only is she dating Brock – she also doesn’t die.

We were all happy believing that in this continuity Gwen simply did not exist. That the pivotal, character defining moment of her death which is actually used to teach high school physics never happened. We were all fine with that, and bringing her back is just odd because it brings nothing to this story. She is merely a token character, who could have been replaced by “Girl #1” or some generic “Stacy” without changing anything else in the plot. It’s not fan service, because Spider-Man fans will probably be angry that this iconic, tragic character was mishandled this way.

Also, Sanmdan killed Uncle Ben. Do you see what they are doing here? I think they are trying to actively piss off fans by fucking with the continuity as much as they can. But screw that. I knew this was going to happen after watching the first two movies which did a fair share of fucking up the story, so I was not going to let it upset me.

But even if you only knew Spider-Man from the movies, and never read any comics, the movie still falls flat on it’s face. The moments that probably should be touching come off inexplicably boring. For example we get treated to a long, yawnsworthy story about how Uncle Ben proposed to Aunt May. Maybe it’s just me, suffering from an acute case of “Idon’tgiveafuck” but I found that whole dialog about 3 minutes to long – especially since everyone knew that May will give Peter her ring the moment she pulled it out at the beginning of the scene. I was actually yelling at the screen “just give him the fucking ring and let’s move on!” She didn’t listen, and kept on rambling about bullshit. Seriously, if I want to listen to old people talk about boring stuff I can do that IRL. Remember, we are dealing with 3 major supervillains here. That’s a shitload of story to go through so every second of screen time counts.

Similarly, all the scenes with Tobey acting “edgy”, “cool” or “angry” because of the symbiont influence are just plain embarrassingly pathetic. The scene in which he walks down the street winging, thrusting his pelvis and “fingerbanging” at every approaching woman must have been the most retarded thing I have ever seen in my life. I’m guessing they were going for comic relief, but they ended up with something that was funny only because it was so horribly, horribly bad.

Oh, I also laughed out loud during the death scene at the end of the movie. It was as if the director was yelling “I need to see more awkwardness in this scene! You people are acting to well. I need more amateurism, and awkwardness”. It also didn’t help that the dialog was a George Lucas quality “lovely river of loving love” kind of a thing. It’s just that laughingly bad.

The Sandman story seems completely out of place, and tacked on. All the time and effort used for developing and introducing this guy could have been used to explore Peter’s struggle, or build Brock up to a more interesting character. They just jammed him in there, and made him the real killer of Uncle Ben just so that he doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb it seems.

The fact that both script and acting sucked in this movie is kinda surprising considering the fact that the cast didn’t really change since the last one. I have no clue what happened, but this was a really bad movie. You will laugh at the death scenes, fall asleep during the “touching” moments, guess every single plot twist 20 minutes before it happens, and perform the facepalm maneuver every 15 minutes wondering “what the hell were they thinking”. I actually wish I could un-watch it. At least before I actually thought it was just a bad super-hero movie, not a complete and utter piece of crap that will actually make you dumber if you watch it.

[tags]spider-man, spiderman, spiderman 3, peter parker, mary janee, gwen stacy, eddie brook, venom[/tags]

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8 Responses to Spider-Man 3

  1. tummblr UNITED STATES Mozilla Firefox Windows says:

    Freaky, I just watched Spider-Man 3 last night. O_o

    I’ve never read the comics, but from my perspective your review is still dead on. The movie is beyond bad even ignoring any plot deviations or butchering that have fans up in arms.

    I wonder if Toby, who must have total control over what goes into the movie since they can’t very well make the movie without him, told the script writers that he’s tired of being the goody-goody dork. So they tried to give him some cool and badass scenes. Except “act badass here” in the script doesn’t magically transform a dorky actor into a badass.

    Oh well, at least we get more Batman. I actually wish they’d continue with Superman instead of milking spidey.

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  2. Luke Maciak UNITED STATES Mozilla Firefox Windows says:

    I always wondered why they picked Tobey. While Parker was a bit of a science dork, he was actually pretty witty, cocky and self confident as Spiderman. He was kinda known for his bravado, and the fact he didn’t take shit from anyone.

    Same for Mary Jane. She was strong, confident and sexy – and she knew it. Very different from the insecurity riddled mess of a woman portrayed by Kirstin Dunst.

    I think Tobey couldn’t act badass if his life depended on it.

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  3. Luke Maciak UNITED STATES Mozilla Firefox Windows says:

    Oh, and it actually took them a while to get Batman right. Remember that one movie when Batman had nipples on his costume and certain governor was playing Mr. Freeze? That horrible abomination nearly killed the whole Batman movie franchise.

    I loved Batman Begins – they really nailed it this time, and I can’t wait for the new one.

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  4. tummblr UNITED STATES Mozilla Firefox Windows says:

    Yar, I’m referring to the latest Batman Begins and Superman Returns; I enjoyed both a lot and think they showed us how to transfer old and tired franchises to the big screen. The old Batman and Superman movies were pretty terrible too. Well, hard to judge since there’s also the whole generation gap thing. Some of the Superman movies were simply before my time.

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  5. Muhammad SINGAPORE Mozilla Firefox Windows Terminalist says:

    Hi Luke, welcome to the world of Hollywood-Spiderman haters!

    Spiderman is my favourite superhero from Marvel. He has all this real-world issues bugging him, and showed that being a secret identity super-hero isn’t all cool and can be a huge burden.

    As usual, Hollywood can make it crappy, like they usually do most of the time.

    I said “most” as some adaptations are good, even though they deviate from the actual story (I liked Lord Of The Rings & Godfather trilogies). However, Spiderman 3 takes crappiness to a whole different level.

    Actually, there are 5 different stories at play here. I think the death of Gwen Stacy is quite a significant arc too, as it is an important part of Peter Parker’s life. I had wanted to leave the theatre halfway through the show, when Flint Marko fell into the pit where a “particle physics test” was going on, turning him into Sandman. The show became completely absurd from that point on.

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  6. Luke Maciak UNITED STATES Mozilla Firefox Windows says:

    LOTR was great. They did change things here and there, but for the most part it was very close to the books. So I was able to forgive them and just enjoy the movies.

    X-Men movies are also watchable. They do take lot’s of liberties with the source but all in all they are not so bad.

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  7. SuperChencho UNITED STATES Internet Explorer Windows says:

    I think you are overly harsh in your review. No movie can truly recap what happens in the source material. This is merely an adaptation, not a retelling, and some creativity and artistic license is needed to take Spider-man to the big screen. It’s not such a bad thing to veer from continuity. Is it always for the better? No. Spider-man 3 is very likely weaker the weakest of the three, but the way the story was setup in the previous two movies really left no choice but to have all those four plots you talk about. You ought to check out http://www.spideykicksbutt.com to see what I mean. It’s not my website, but if you see his take on the third film, you will see why things had to unfold the way they did.

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