Happy Lincoln Day!

Happy Lincoln day everyone! Today we celebrate the birth and life of one of this nations most famous super powered heroes: Abe “Robot” Lincoln. I figured I might just might take this occasion to give you a little history refresher on this amazing hero.

First off, most people don’t realize it but old Abe was actually an American president before he started his heroic crime fighting career. This is why he is on the $5 bill. But that period of his life was largely uneventful up until the point when two time travelers (Bill S. Preston Esq and Theodore Logan later known as the Wyld Stallyns) whisked him off to 1989 San Dimas, California. There Lincoln got cybernetic enhancements, including the fabled Lincoln Repeater gatling gun mounted on his right wrist.

Abe Lincoln with his cybernetically bonded minigun.

The modifications gave him super human speed, strength and near invulnerability to gunfire. Upon returning to his own time, Lincoln almost won the civil war for the union until he was assassinated John Wilkes Booth who set off an EMP device during the performance of Our American Cousin at Ford’s Theater. It is unclear how he got his hands on the device as none of the known time travelers admitted to delivering it. It is theorized that it was either the work of the Evil League of Evil or the mysterious Time Keepers – a shadowy organization that often steps in to “fix” the past that was altered by unscrupulous time travelers.

After the assassination Lincoln’s robotic body was preserved, but the damage was irreparable using the periods technology. Abe spent the next two decades as a slowly rusting heap of useless 20th century technology. That was until he was repaired by Dr. Emmet Brown (another famous time traveler) who added many enhancements to his inner workings. Dr. Brown managed to restore Lincolns personality based on reconstructive templates he brought from the future and what was left of the positronic brain that was damaged by Booth’s attack.

Robot Lincoln hooked up to Doc Browns memory reconstruction machine

The procedure was very successful, and Abe Lincoln was brought back with only few minor memory gaps. From that point on, he devoted his life to fight evil whenever and wherever he saw it. Since his cybernetic body did not age, Abe was able to fight in the first wold war and then storm Normandy beaches during World War II.

He fought in many battles, but unfortunately his tour of duty was cut short in Berlin when he and his unit was ambushed by Hitler’s undead army. In case you didn’t pay attention in your history class, Nazi’s were the first to successfully synthesize the Zombie virus. Abe single handed dispatched over 700 unded until he finally fell under the sustained assault. With Abe’s whole unit turned undead, and the hero himself incapacitated Allied Forces had no choice but to nuke the city to prevent a full outbreak.

Lincolns body was not only damaged beyond repair but also extremely radioactive. His body was transported back to US where he was given his second funeral and was laid down to rest in a sealed underground tomb. A bit later Walt Disney petitioned the government for a permission to try to resurrect the hero once again. His request was granted, and Lincoln was transported to Florida where an army of Disney imagineers rebuilt his body from scratch, and used a much more advanced version of Doc Brown’s memory reconstruction process.

Abe Lincoln's Body being rebuilt by Disney Imagineers

Currently Abe resides in Florida and works for the Disney corporation under a contract to pay off the multi-million dollar reconstruction costs. His main job is to guard the head of Walt Disney and make occasional public appearances and speeches at the park. Disney corporation refused to allow him to participate in the current war efforts. Restoring the nation’s hero was a huge financial strain on the company, and they are not willing to risk losing it. At least not until they see some return on that investment.

Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

In related news, today is also the birthday of Charles Darwin – a great man who “invented” evolution. He was awesome too!