Good evening chumps and chumpettes! Today is Friday, July 7th the “File a Stupid Patent and Sue Someone” day.
For those of you unfamiliar with the concept of patents let me explain. Here in United States, the land of the almost free, we believe that technological and scientific progress can only be achieved by allowing big corporations to claim ownership of very vague ideas. These corporations then have a legal right to sue anyone who comes up with a vaguely similar, competing idea and drive them out of business.
Everyones friend, Tom from Myspace, would be well advised to start saving money for a massive legal defense fund. Obviously his social networking site operates behind a firewall, so he can expect to be hit hard by a legion of lawyers summoned by the combined powers of Navy and Firendster. Tom could not be reached for comment because he was to busy adding everyone to his friends list.
White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, neither confirmed nor denied the rumor that the new US Navy patent will be used to make production of unlicensed commercial firewalls illegal. All firewalls will need to be licensed by US Navy, and include a special NSA back door. When asked for comment he made some of hand remark about “hugging the tar, baby” and then started giggling his keys hoping to distract the reporters.
In other news, I just patented the process of defecating, while sitting or crouching down. I will be licensing this patent to interested parties at an affordable rate of 1 beeelion dollars per poop. I request that people without valid licenses learn to shit standing up from now on.