Terminally Incoherent

Let’s talk about harmless office pranks. I don’t really talk about the hard core BOFH stuff here - just harmless fun. I’m sure everyone has at least one or two of these things to share. Whether you were the one doing it, or if you were the one it was done to or if you just heard about it from a friend. Let’s hear them. Here are few sample pranks to start this thread:

The Wallpaper

This is a classic - simple to accomplish but effective.

1. Take a screen shot of your victim’s desktop
2. Hide all the desktop icons
3. Set task bar to auto-hide
4. Set the screen shot you took as their wallpaper

When you hear frantic annoyed clicking and swearing you are allowed to laugh.

The VNC Prank aka The Ghost in the Machine

Also known as “ZOMG! Someone is hacking me!”. I actually did this once but since my victim could pretty much see my monitor from her desk, and I couldn’t stop myself from giggling she quickly figured out what was up.

1. Install some sort of VNC server/client on your victim’s machine - any remote control software will do really
2. When they leave the computer unattended, quickly initiate connection and run back to your desk
3. Wait for the victim to start working again and then once they get back into their rhythm start messing with them.

You can make this as subtle or as crazy as you want but I found out that less is more. For example, when your victim is trying to click on an icon, simply move the mouse out of the way. Don’t jerk it away - just nudge it so that they will miss the icon. When they type something just randomly type a key or two here and there to throw them off. Inserting the last letter your victim has back-spaced is fun too.

If you do something obvious like start moving windows around, or type full sentences or open websites the victim will either catch on or assume they are getting “hacked” and run to get the IT and the FBI.

Keyboard Layout Swap

If you have a hunt & peck style typist in your office, you can simply pop out 2-4 keys and swap them around. Try to leave the QWERTY line un-changed because that’s the one everyone knows about. I did it once, long time ago but it was unintentional. I simply had to retrieve some paper clips that got underneath the keys, and put the keys in the wrong order. I never noticed it but the next person using that machine was totally befuddled.

There is updated version of this for touch typists - simply switch their keyboard layout. Obvious choice is to use Dvorak layout but that one is easy to figure out. It’s probably best to pick one that is basically QWERTY but with 2 or 3 keys in off positions. German layout is a good one since it is essentially QWERTY but with Z and Y swapped around, and German letters placed where you would expect brackets and punctuation marks to be.

The Fake BSOD

One word: BlueScreen Screen Saver. Ok, it’s actually 3 words. Or 2 words and a compacted word, so theoretically 4. But you get the idea. Install it, configure it and wait for the screams of agony to begin. Personally I like to set the timer to 15-20 minutes so the BSOD only happens when people leave their computer unattended for a long time. It is a good way to drive home the point about saving your work before leaving your desk.

Desk To The Wall

This one I learned from a cow-orker. Never tried it but it sounded hilarious and it can be applied to just about anyone. It affects both the clueless and cluefull the same way. Note that this is a long term project which requires commitment and staying at work late (or coming in early). Your victim should have an office with an old-fashioned desk. This doesn’t really work well in cubicles.

Here is the procedure: wait till your victim leaves (or come into work before they do) and sneak into their office. Most people like to sit with their back to the wall, and the desk facing the opposite door. This is the setup you are looking for. Each day push the desk about 1/2 and inch towards the wall effectively squeezing your victims space behind it. Don’t move it to much or they will notice it immediately. Small incremental changes are what counts.

You and your friends can now bet on when the victim will notice that the change took place. Once this happens and the desk gets adjusted back to a normal position you can start over. This time push it away from the wall.

The Magic of Number 3

Another long term, low tech project that may require some commitment. Every day sneak into your victims office/cubicle and do any or all of the following:

1. Remove all but 3 staples from their stapler
2. Remove all but 3 pages from their printer
3. Take away all but 3 paper clips from their desk
4. Remove all but 3 led inserts from their mechanical pencil
6. etc..

Important note: if the item you routinely take away is missing (ie. the stapler is empty, there is no paper in the printer) make sure to re-stock the supplies with exactly 3 items (ie. 3 staples, 3 pages, etc..).

I do not claim I invented any of these. In fact I’m sure I didn’t. Few people can probably claim to have “invented” an original prank. These things are sort of like algorithms or scientific laws. You discover them rather than invent them.

Now it’s your turn! Have you ever done any of the above? Are you planning to? Have you used a modified/better version? Do you have an awesome prank that is not listed here? Let us know!

I think that the perfect kind of a leader for our country - for any country - would be a hacker. And when I say “hacker” I don’t mean “computer criminal”. I use it in its original meaning. To me a hacker is a person who knows enough about technology to make me feel small, insignificant and undereducated. There is just no other word out there that denotes this particular blend of insightfulness, technological expertise, problem solving ability, competence, intelligence and cleverness. So I will use hacker, even though in recent years it gained this negative connotation.

Why do I think a hacker would be a good leader? Let me count the ways.

Most hackers are mindful of computer security. This falls under their general technological expertise. They know security systems, they know their pitfalls, and they know ways to make things secure. They have the analytical mindset to sit down, look at a system, identify gaping holes in it’s security and devise a plan on how to close them, or minimize their impact - without actually disrupting how that system works. If you think about it, managing national security is a very similar process. You consider the country as a big, complex system. The task is to secure that system without actually disrupting or disturbing it’s inhabitants. I believe that a hacker is much more suited to carry out such task than for example a lawyer, or a career politician. They have the analytical capacity, and rigid, logical approach, and engineering precision, focus on details and a sharp mind - those are all attributes necessary to succeed in the technology field. Lawyers and politicians… Well, they just need to be good at bullshitting, and memorizing stuff. Yes, there is more to it than just being a fast talker, but they are not formally trained in identifying flaws, devising solutions, devising action plan and executing it in a rigorous way, testing and validating it along the way. This is what we technology folks do.

In fact, this problem solving ability extends to other areas beyond security. The same process can be applied to other areas be it economical, social or foreign relations. The thing about true hackers is that they have this strange ability to absorb and analyze incredible amounts of information in relatively short time. Typically you talk to one of them on Friday about some new cool technology and they promise to read up on it over the weekend. Come Monday it turns out they not only “figured it out” but they also set up a test box, ported your system to the new technology, benchmarked it, optimized it, then improved parts of your system using what they have learned in this process. So even if you don’t adopt this new thing it is a net gain for you. They are not merely fast learners - they are more than that. And this is the sort of attitude, and thorough approach they could bring into politics.

There is a crisis abroad? Have no fear, our hacker president spent the whole weekend researching that area, he already learned much of their language and he figured out the local customs, conflicts and tensions in the area. He is now with his advisers devising an action plan that is supposed to be both subtle, effective and beneficial to both us, and the area in question.

Naturally, few hackers would ever pursue a career in politics. It’s not their field, not their area of expertise and not their ambition. Which is precisely what you really want in a good leader. Diligent, hard working, dedicated, humble, reluctant to abuse the power vested in him, and happy to relinquish it at the end of his term. In my honest opinion anyone who actually strives for a political office out of ambition is absolutely unsuited for it. Lust for power is a dangerous thing. People who set out to make it big, even with good intentions can be easily led astray by their own ego. The only trustworthy leader is one who holds power sternly but reluctantly and treats it as very heavy burden of responsibility and a patriotic duty.

In other words, hackers can be perfectly serviceable leaders, precisely because they don’t want it. Their work ethic, attitude, and diligence which are all part of the hacker ethos can almost make up for lack of statecraft experience. And let’s face it, not all of our leaders are bright shining stars of diplomacy, or competent orators.

Perhaps not this time around - but at some point in the future, let’s try to get someone like that into office somewhere. Perhaps it would be a welcome change for the better.

If you didn’t notice this whole bit is supposed to be humorous and satirical in nature and in no way should be treated seriously

Happy Independence Day everyone! Have fun, stay safe and avoid blowing yourself up with fireworks! Don’t forget what this day is really about. It is about commemorating the bravery of the two great men who saved our planet.

If I remember the history lessons correctly, one of these men was a Fresh Prince of an ancient wealthy kingdom known only as Bel-Air. The other one was actually half fly, half Jewish. Together they developed a computer virus so awesome it disabled the whole alien invading fleet. We commemorate their bravery by shooting fireworks into the air, which remind us how we defeated the space invaders.

I will make this joke every year until it becomes funny again.

I noticed that some blogs I read routinely close comments on old posts, supposedly to avoid spam. There is even a Wordpress plugin that does this for you. I find that practice silly. I keep spam at bay via filtering, bot detection and captchas - and it seems to be working just fine for me. I’d hate to close old blog posts because a lot of them still get comments today. There are two ways people find interesting blogs - via links on other blogs, and via search engines.

Especially the some of my more technical posts sometimes don’t get much play up until weeks or months after being published. People who comment on them usually found them via Google and either found them useful or want to correct my mistakes or miss-assumptions - which is great. Even silly shit often gets hits long after I forgot about it. Case in point the silly Magic the Gathering joke I posted last year. Someone posted a comment there requesting a pussy version of the card.

Well, your wish is my command:

While I was at it I decided to create a PG-13 version of the original card to show that I do think of the children and all that shit. Or perhaps this makes the joke more subtle? Or more stupid? I don’t know, you decide:

This is all I have for today. Enjoy your Memorial Day weekend! For those of you who live outside the US of A, this just means we get the Monday off. There will be a Monday post though, unless I’m especially lazy this weekend.

I wanted to share with you a final slide from a presentation made by one of my students. I wish I was making this up, but I’m not. You can judge whether this is funny or very sad by yourself:

I assumed a honest typo resulting from the student making the whole presentation 15 minutes before the class, and then winging it. I prefer to think that my students are just lazy and don’t care about the class - this way I can keep my sanity and hope for the future in situations like this one.

It is reassuring that most of the class seemed to catch onto it, and there were subdued chuckles from the back rows. I believe that I even heard someone patiently explaining “cause there was like no computers in 1800’s…” to their confused neighbor.

Someone later suggested to me that you could technically count Charles Babbage as an early hacker. He was active in the 1800’s so the statement above would be at least partially correct… Well, excluding that bit about the internet services. And getting caught…

For the record, I didn’t assign the presentation topics, nor did I restrict them to just technology. Students were free to pick any topic they wanted, and I provided them with a list of potentially technology related topics if they could not come up with a topic on their own.