Transformers 2

Transformers 2

Transformers 2

Here is a question: have you seen the first Transformers movie? If you did, you probably don’t need to see the sequel. Why? Because it is the same exact movie. It follows the exact same overall plot almost to the point of being schematic.

I mean let’s compare:

In Transformers 1 Decepticons are searching some enormously powerful power source hidden somewhere on earth. Sam Witwicky holds the secret to the location of that artifact. Autobots must protect him, and make sure the all powerful gadget does not fall into the wrong hands. The climax of the struggle is a huge CGI battle that involves all the robots, bunch of human soldiers, tons of military equipment that ends up blowing up and Meghan Fox running towards the camera in slow motion as shit explodes behind her.

On the other hand in Transformers 2 Decepticons are searching some enormously powerful power source hidden somewhere on earth. Sam Witwicky holds the secret to the location of that artifact. Autobots must protect him, and make sure the all powerful gadget does not fall into the wrong hands. The climax of the struggle is a huge CGI battle that involves all the robots, bunch of human soldiers, tons of military equipment that ends up blowing up and Meghan Fox running towards the camera in slow motion as shit explodes behind her.

I mean, yeah there are couple of new robot designs but it’s not like you would notice. Partly because their designs are so incredibly busy that it is sometimes hard to tell them apart. Partly because since this is a Michael Bay movie the robots hardly ever do anything other than participate in crazy combat scenes which involve them somersaulting over exploding skyscrapers while transforming and re-transforming in mid air at least 6-7 times, while shooting weapons and dodging rockets. All of this is filmed with a spinning, jerky camera, with a generous amount of lens flare and gratuitous reaction shots that show Meghan Fox’s cleavage.

So while there are supposedly bunch of new bots on each side, you pretty much just see Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Megatron and Starscream. Oh, and and I think Ironhide is there too because I kept hearing the soldiers screaming his name every couple of minutes and he would respond something like “Ooooh, yeah!” shoot his gun and then disappear off the screen.

Out of all the other robots Michael bay decided to add to the movie he mainly decided to flesh out the following:

  1. The Geriatric-Bot – a museum plane that transforms into an old looking robot with a cane and yells at the kids to get off his lawn
  2. Racist-stereotype bots – two small sized autobots acting so stereotypically and over the top that I couldn’t tell if they were offensive or just distasteful.
  3. A toy car robot whose main purpose in the movie is to be a comic relief sidekick with a funny accent who occasionally humps Meghan Fox’s leg (and she seems to enjoy it)
  4. Some super evil proto decepticon who is more powerful than all the robots on the earth combined but still shits his pants and runs away whenever Optimus Prime enters the room because of some prophecy or some shit

What else… The Disturbia boy gets humped by one of these alien lady monsters from The Species. I’m not sure what it was doing in this movie, but apparently Michael Bay thought it would be awesome to do a crossover or something. I mean when this man makes movies he assumes that his audiences are going to fast forward the talking parts to get to the boobs, racial jokes or explosions so he basically cuts out everything else out of the equation.

In fact, he actually creates this 100 feet tall deception (I think his name was Devastator or something like that) and makes him climb a pyramid just so that he can have an excuse to show the two wrecking balls strategically positioned between his legs and have a character yell out “I am directly under the monster’s scrotum!” pointing at them. I mean, you know – in case you didn’t actually get the joke, Michael Bay decided to have a character actually point at it and explain it to the audience. Testicles! Get it! Robo testes! Ell Oh Ell Motherfucker!

Bay is a hack! Everything that man touches turns into commercial, over the top, disgusting, chromium plated, exploding shit. The first transformer movie was crap, and this one is exactly the same move just longer and with more CGI. Someone actually gave this dude 200 million dollars to shot this film. What did he do? Fist he pissed all over the source material, then he shat on it, then he wiped his ass with a Transformers comic book, spent 20 minutes writing the script and went to jerk off to a picture of a tank being blown apart by a rocket fired from a jet. The man has a military fetish and it shows. Transformers are essentially background noise to the military orgy orchestrated by bay to satisfy his lust for dynamic military combat scenes. This man is fucking DYING to make a modern day war movie – but no one will give script like that to him, because they know better. After all, war is serious business (hey, just like internet) and no one wants it to turn into some talentless hacks private jerkoff material interjected with racially charged slapstick comedy.

And please don’t tell me the the movie is so shallow because source material is weak. This is not an excuse. Batman movies were all shit until Christoper Nolan turned the franchise into pure fucking gold! Up until Batman Begins people were using the same line claiming it’s just impossible to make a good adaptation of that comic book. Batman mythos, is not a cohesive story, they said. There are hundreds of different versions of Batman, all envisioned by different teams of writers and artists. Some batman stories are dark, some are campy and silly. You can’t capture all of that in a single movie. No matter what you do, some fans will be dissapointed and angry with your vision. People are just doing the best they can with the source material, so deal with it! Fortunately, they were wrong.

Christopher Nolan proved the source doesn’t matter. The man didn’t even try to be faithful to it. He did the exact same thing every other movie maker does when asked to do a comic book adaptation – he distilled the essence of the source, and wrote and original story fit his vision of the character. What made him different than all the other hacks who came before him? He took the job seriously. He didn’t set out to do a good Batman movie. He didn’t try to make a good superhero flick. He didn’t try to do a good comic book adaptation.

No! He decided to shoot an epic fucking piece of cinematography. He nailed it, and then he turned around and did it again with The Black Knight proving that the first film wasn’t just a lucky fluke. Nolan’s formula works! You can turn the shittiest book, comic or video game into a pure gold as long as you take it seriously and write a script with a real plot, populated by living breathing characters and hire skilled actors to play them. I mean, Heath Ledger’s joker was possibly one of the most brilliant performances I have seen in years. The man took a silly dude who dresses up as a clown, and made him into one of the most awesome movie villains I have seen. This is what you can accomplish when you treat the project seriously and hire real talent instead of just pretty faces.

Michael Bay didn’t take Transformers seriously. He made the first movie into a running gag reel and people lapped it up. In the second movie he decided to up the ante and he is now outwardly mocking the fans by putting wrecking ball testicles on their beloved transforming robots and them shoving them in their face.

Yes, we have been collectively tea-bagged by Michael Bay. I paid $10 to have the man dangle robot nuts in front of my face and then show me 2.5 hours of half obscured explosions, blurry CGI and Meghan Fox desperately failing at conveying any kind of human emotions.

Jesus Christ Meghan, puckering up your lips when your boobs are not in the frame and crooking your head to the side is not really acting. I mean I’m sure that this shit gave Indiana Jones Junior a never ending raging boner – it would probably drive me crazy too. And I do realize that your character is more shallow than the puddle Michael Bay left on the floor after he pissed all over Transformer toys before he started shooting this move. But when you confess your love to your boyfriend on his deathbed you could at least try to pretend you are a real human and not a sex-bot from an Austin Powers movie?

Oh, Shia LaBeouf: can you be more spastic? I don’t think you were spastic enough in this movie. Yes, people apparently love to see you talk really, really fast, twitch and stutter so do more of that – cause fuck acting, man!

Worst part is that these two crazy kids are not entirely at fault for failing at acting here. Who I blame? Michael Bay of course. You know how I know? Because Scarlet Johanson pulled the same shit in The Island. She was told to stand behind the main lead, look pretty and pucker up her lips when her boobs were not in the frame. And last time I checked Scar did know how to fucking act. I mean, God knows he can’t sing (her songs are on youtubes, my ears are still bleeding from the last time I heard them) to save her life, but she does have a couple of Golden Globes and a BTFA award on her mantle so you can’t deny her acting skills. But of course Michael Bay didn’t put her int the movie for her acting.

I once had this idea of putting Michael Bay and Uwe Ball in a rocket and shooting it directly into the center of the sun. But then I realized that each one has an ego as massive as a black hole. At high pressure and temperature their egos would probably fuse together creating a supper massive singularity that would swallow the whole solar system. So I sort of gave up on that idea. Still, the man is a hack and Transformers 2 is the shallowest, dumbest, simplest and probably the most successful movie of this summer. The audiences loved it, up until and including the robot testicles.

Michael Bay is probably laughing all the way to the bank while I weep knowing that he will probably get $400 mill more do this one more time. Get ready for Transformers 3 kids: with more boobs, more explosions, more slapstick comedy and less plot – cause, fuck it – it is a third movie. Everyone already knows the plot, so we can just get down to business and not even bother with that shit.

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6 Responses to Transformers 2

  1. Zel FRANCE Mozilla Firefox Windows Terminalist says:

    I saw the first movie, and it was enough. I am not familiar with the source material, so I tried to appreciate the movie for what it was supposed to be : some entertaining 2 hours of no brain activity. Alas, the plot was too thin and full of plot holes to just accept and get over. The acting so bad I couldn’t help but mentally yell at the actors or their director. The action (what I went to see) so fast that it was giving me headaches to follow, and plain confusing. During the fights, I couldn’t even tell who were the good guys and who were the bad guys… When I finally got out of the cinema (I never leave before the end, because I paid for my seat), I was more tired and annoyed, and definitely not as entertained as I hoped.

    So, I didn’t go see the second. If there is a third, I probably won’t go see it either, unless someone like Christopher Nolan takes over.

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  2. Steve Mozilla Firefox Windows Terminalist says:

    …rant begins…

    I get a kick out of people talking about “plot holes”. It’s a fucking Michael Bay/Sci-Fi movie…of course there will be plot holes. The action was fun, the ‘splosions were great, the special effects were awesome. What the fuck more does anyone want from a summer popcorn flick…plot devices and a story by David Mamet?

    Jesus…if people can’t enjoy a movie for what it is, I fear for them. It’s making over $400 million for a reason. People are “enjoying” it. It’s not smart, it’s got a regurgitated plot, it’s loud…and it’s fucking fun. That’s all I expected when I went to see it. How stupid do people have to be to go to a movie about alien robots that transform into vehicles and expect a gritty film noire like the Dark Knight…..?

    …end of rant…

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  3. James Heaver UNITED KINGDOM Mozilla Firefox Mac OS says:

    It isnt making $400 million because people are enjoying it. Its making $400 million because thats what people are paying to see it.

    Films, and summer blockbusters have become events. People go to see them because, well, they have to. Its one of the films everyone (of a certain type) will be talking about and have an opinion on. For these films box office success is built on marketing rather than the quality of the film or whether anyone even enjoys the film.

    I went to see the second Matrix because it could have been good. I went to see the third just so I had even though I knew it would be awful and everyone review said it was.

    I went to see Quantum of Solace because I like James Bond and its what you do. I didn’t enjoy the film and knew it wasnt good, but you have to see the series through. I wanted to see for myself how they’d messed it up.

    I’m tired and not sure how much sense that made, but financial success does not even rely on stupid people enjoying a film.

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  4. Luke Maciak UNITED STATES Mozilla Firefox Windows Terminalist says:

    @Steve – Is it really that much to ask for a summer blockbuster to have a coherent plot and interesting, likable characters with actual personalities?

    And I disagree here. The special effects were not awesome. They were busy, clustered and jerky. The camera never stopped moving, even for a second during the action scenes. Most of the robots are mostly seen as motion-blurred outlines.

    Besides, I am no longer impressed by special effects. Yeah, back in the 90’s I would totally see a movie just to see the awesome morphing effects, or the computer generated character (imagine that!). Nowadays every single Hollywood movie has awesome special effects. Sure they are getting better every year, but we are no longer making the huge technology leaps we did before. Computer animation nowadays looks almost like reality – we can’t really make another leap. The only thing we can do is slowly try to close the gap between animation and live action. But that is a slow and incremental process.

    Nothing in the departments of special effects can surprise me anymore. There will be no more ground breaking technologies that will revolutionize movie making anytime soon. I no longer go to see movies for their special effects. I couldn’t care less if they spent $300 million or $400 million on the CGI – chances are I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between the two versions. I’m sure both would look equally spectacular.

    So what I want these days is some entertainment to go alongside with my computer generated explosions. And that’s exactly what Transformers was missing. It was not entertaining. It was tedious, boring and tiresome.

    I went to see it because my friends wanted to see it. I could have stayed home, but instead I chose to go hang out and watch a dumb movie. This doesn’t mean I had to like it.

    I did not expect the movie to be a Noire film like The Dark Knight. I used that as an example what you can do with a failed franchise when you put your mind to it. I simply wished it Transformers series wasn’t so empty and devoid of substance. The I mean the cartoons I watched as a kid had plot and character development. Why couldn’t this movie include at least some of it?

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  5. Chris UNITED STATES Safari Mac OS says:

    Well it sure sounds like you had fun at the movies. What’s your favorite movie?

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  6. Mats Rauhala FINLAND Mozilla Linux says:

    You might enjoy a Finnish independent movie, Star Wreck.

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