The internet is like a cheap, dirty, run down, disease ridden whore house in a bad part of the town. You probably shouldn’t be going there in the first place, but if you go in unprotected you can bank on having a weird rash and a burning sensation when you pee the next day. So unless you fancy a life long romance with syphilis or perhaps an on and off turbulent romp with herpes it is important to wrap it up and exercise caution. This is why I decided to put together this short guide that should help you protect your virtual e-penile appendage that you use to browse the web.
You know how something always pops up in the bottom left corner of your computer telling you to update your Adobe this, or Java that, and you always click on the “go fuck off up a tree” button to make it go fuck off up a tree?
STOP FUCKING DOING THAT!
You see, most software being written these days is shit. Windows for example was always a Swiss cheese of exploitable security holes, each one the size of your mom (ie. huuuuge). Fortunately, in the recent years Microsoft somehow managed to get a little of their shit together and instead of being unbelievably incompetent they just became believably incompetent instead and as result their products became marginally better security wise. You still can’t throw a rock at their operating system without hitting some security hole, but luckily most script kiddies out there are too dumb and lazy to bother finding one. So they move to the next best target.
Unfortunately, most software being written these days is shit, so they don’t even have to look that far. Pretty much everyone is running Adobe products, and Adobe still didn’t get the memo about not sucking at security. So script kiddies and malware writers (the lowest, least skilled breed of code monkeys in the world) exploit the living shit out of their products instead.
Instead fucking wit Microsoft security holes, they send you malformed PDF document or Flash object which bugs out the corresponding Adobe plugin and runs arbitrary code on your machine. Good news is that we yell at Adobe all the time about shit like this, and they do fix most of it. The bad news is that since you never fucking update their products, you will get raped by random malware over, and over, and over again.
Update your Flash player, your Adobe Reader, your Java and any other internet facing plugin you might use regularly. In fact, whenever something asks you to upgrade to the latest version, do it. Better safe than sorry!
I know you are totally fucking busy all the time, and you don’t have time to deal with this computer stuff. I understand. Playing Angry Birds on your phone is a hard work, and I wouldn’t want to keep you away from it. But do you really think that running a copy of McAfee or Norton that expired and stopped updating 3 years ago, actually does anything?
Actually, scratch that. It definitely does something: it slows down your computer something fierce. But it is not really protecting you from anything. And when you try and run a virus scan with that long expired, compromised product in a feeble attempt to remove some nasty infection, it is not even funny. It’s pathetic.
Here is a sad truth: McAfee and Norton are no longer relevant security products. They are huge, and they have lots of money but every half competent malware making simian can run circles around them. This is basically chapter 1 stuff in the malware writers playbook: “making mockery out of Mcafee and Norton in 10 easy steps”.
If you don’t want to pay for an anti-virus solution, Microsoft Security Essentials is surprisingly decent for something that is owned and maintained by Microsoft. Oh, and pend a fucking 20 bucks on a full version of Malwarebytes. It’s a good product, and definitely worth that one-time investment. Combined with Security Essentials it can give you a fairly decent protection against threats designed to own McAfee and Symantec products on contact.
3. Worst Case Scenario
If all of the above fails (or if you chose to immediately ignore and forget all that I just said, like you always do), and you do get infected, please follow the instructions in my handy malware removal guide.
Better yet, sell your computer, buy a gorram iPad and fuck the hell off the PC platform because I’m sick and tired removing the same exact piece of malware from your machine every week. These nifty little hand-held devices are pretty hard to infect (though I’m sure you can figure out a way to do it – you seem to be a fucking expert at it) and require surprisingly little maintenance.