I have been working in IT for way to many years to be still considered a sane and well adjusted individual. After you spend a few years in this industry you realize that some questions asked by users keep recurring like bad dreams or glitches in the matrix.
Below is my attempt to compile a comprehensive list of frequently asked IT questions you might encounter when working as a systems administrator or help-desk drone. All of these are actual quotes from various ticketing systems and email exchanges. I preserved original grammar and spelling wherever possible.
Feel free to print this out and use it in your help desk training manuals.
- Is it a virus?
No.
- Are you sure?
Yes.
- My Microsoft is error!
Reboot.
- I already did!
Disconnect all cables and peripherals, remove the battery and hold down the power button for 60 seconds.
- Oh, am I doing this to discharge the capacitors on the motherboard?
No, you are doing this to ensure that you actually reboot the machine rather than browse Facebook for 5 minutes and say that you did.
- Is the email down?
No. Flip the WiFi switch on the side of the laptop.
- Is the server down?
No. Flip the WiFi switch on the side of the laptop.
- Is our website down?
No. WiFi switch.
- Is the WiFi down?
No. Flip the WiFi switch!
- When I my microsoft then it goes and goes not and then it doesn’t.
WiFi switch… Probably. Then reboot. Then turn on grammar-checking in Outlook.
- My computer is slow!
No problem. Someone will pick it up tomorrow and it will be re-imaged.
- Will I loose all my stuff?
Yes. Your stuff will be loose. Also, everything not work related and stored on network share will be gone.
- Ok, my computer isn’t slow anymore. No need to re-image.
Too late!
- Ever since I upgraded Java/Adobe nothing works.
That was actually a virus. Good job.
- Lawl, you forgot to renew corporate antivirus. I had to use my credit card.
Call credit card company, demand charge-back then cancel that card.
- Can you set up away message on my email?
No problem. Also, enjoy all the the SPAM in the world.
- I’m getting too much spam now! Increase spam filters!
Ok.
- Someone said they sent me an email but I didn’t get it. Is it spam filters?
No.
- Are you sure?
Yes.
- I think spam filters make my computer slow!
Nope.
- Spam filters ate my TPS report!
No they did not. We actually lied when we said we increased the sensitivity. Please stop obsessing over it.
- I’m unable to install iTunes.
Good.
- Can you help me install iTunes?
No.
- Can I haz Admin?
No.
- But I need it!
No you don’t.
- I convinced my boss that I need admin.
Sigh, ok then.
- I tried installing iTunes and now my computer won’t boot.
Good job. Admin revoked.
- Can I has Windows 8?
No.
- But I need it!
No you don’t.
- I convinced my boss that I need Windows 8.
Sigh, ok.
- WTF IS THIS SHIT!????
Windows 8.
- I don’t want it anymore.
Tough, deal with it.
- Windows 8 is now hurting my productivity.
Ok, you are now upgraded to Windows 7.
- Can I haz new computer?
No.
- But I need it!
No you don’t.
- I convinced my boss I need a new computer.
Ok.
- New computer too bulky. I want a thin one like MacBook Air.
All employees get same model. Sorry.
- But I need it!
No you don’t!
- I convinced my boss that I need it.
I unconvinced your boss by giving him detailed outline as to how many man-hours it will take to test and deploy all custom software for that model, create and test images and etc…
- Can I haz iPad?
No.
- But I neeeeed it!
No you don’t!
- I convinced my boss I need it.
Ok.
- Help, can’t install games on company iPad.
Good.
- What is it good for then?
Work? You said you needed it for work.
- I bricked my corporate iPad while trying to jailbreak it. Can I haz new?
ಠ_ಠ
- I accidentally sat on iPad. Can I haz Android tablet as replacement?
That will be locked down too.
- Actually, I no longer need tablet or iPad.
Good.
- I think I got that upside-down screen virus!
It’s not a virus. Just do: Ctrl+Alt+↑
- Can I have an extra power strip that I can plug into the power strip under my desk?
No.
- Why not?
Fire code.
- Microwave oven is broken.
Not an IT issue.
- Office refrigerator is running.
Not an IT issue.
- Elevator is broken.
Not an IT issue.
- Lights in the hallway are flickering.
Not an IT issue.
- AC Units in Server Room stopped working.
Not an IT issue.Wait, yes it is. FUCK. FUCKFUCKFUUUUuuuuuCK! SHUT! DOWN! EVERYTHING! - Can’t access webmail!
Don’t type in the www in front of the URL.
- Can’t access intranet site!
Type in URL into address box, NOT into google.
- Can you show me how to hack into someone’s Facebook?
No! Also, shame on you.
- I think some virus put all these porn websites into my browser history.
Cool story, bro.
- My laptop was stolen from my car. Can I haz new one?
No problem. Let me just log in to Prey, enable geo-tracking and information collection and…
- Wait, you can do that? Did I say stolen? I meant my dog… Err… dropped it…
ಠ_ಠ
- My USB port is not working!
That’s an Ethernet port.
- My Ethernet port is not working?
That’s a telephone cable.
- CD stuck in the drive!!!
Paper clip it.
- My laptop has no CD.
Yes it does, it’s slot-loaded. Eject key is above main keyboard.
- It said “do not shut down your computer” so I shut it down. Now it won’t boot. What do?
Work on your reading comprehension. We’ll pick up the laptop for repair in the morning.
- How come my laptop wont turn on when I remove the battery?
Physics.
- What do I need to access files on these 5 1/4 inch floppy disks?
A time machine.
- My Excel is broken. I literally can’t anything!!!
Press Scroll Lock.
- I wrote 100 page report, then it asked me if I wanted to save so I said no. Now I can’t find it.
Your computer appears to be working correctly.
- My computer is freeze or error but sometimes is not.
These could be early symptoms of a failing memory chip or an issue with the memory slot on the mobo. Please drop laptop off at the IT cave and we’ll run memtest overnight.
- Every website tells me the SSL certificate has exprired?
The date setting in Windows is in the future.
- Windows update is error.
The date setting in windows is in the past.
- I downloaded pirated Windows 8 and installed it on company laptop. Now all my data is gone and stuff is weird.
Please pick up replacement laptop with booting from CD/USB disabled in BIOS at the front desk.
- My computer shuts down for no reason.
Remove cat fur from the fan vents – it’s causing it to overheat.
- My computer doesn’t even Microsoft only black and hyphen is blink.
Sounds like boot sector got corrupted. Drop it off at the cave.
- My computer is blink!!!
Probably memory or mobo issue – we’ll be able to tell from the blink code. Drop it off.
- I got hacked! My computer is beep when turn on!
No. RAM chip got dislodged. Slam the laptop on the table harder, why don’t you.
- I got hacked! Keyboard doesn’t even like crazy all the time!!!
Shorted laptop keyboard. We will replace it right away.
- Fox fire is error!
You have been trying to access a black-listed malware attack site for the past three hours. Please stop.
- Help, government is reading my email!
No it doesn’t.Yep. :( - Printer is jam! Says open front cover.
Open front cover. Then close it. Printer is un-jam.
- Outlook is slow!
Your PST file is 99 GB. It is physically impossible for Outlook to be fast.
- Dominos relationship trust is fail when laptop turn on.
Ah, yes – the domain relationship trust issue in Windows 7. Workaround: unplug Ethernet cable, log in, plug back in. Actual solution: leave domain, then re-join it.
- Can I haz Powerpoints?
Already installed.
- Powerpoints is hard. I will dictate, and you make slides, yes?
No.
- My laptop display spontaneously shattered for no reason.
I’m assuming the impact marks and cracks on the side also developed spontaneously and not as a result of the laptop being dropped, right?
- I deleted a file six months ago, then defragged and ran CCCleaner with the feature that zeros-out empty space on the HD twenty seven times in a row. Can we still recover that file?
No. But check your email. I’m sure it’s in that 99GB PST file at least twice.
- I am physically incapable of replacing the toner in my desk printer.
Flag down closest intern and hand him/her the following instructions: “PLS REPLACE TONER”. They’ll know what to do.
- Word is compatibility error!
Save as XLSX or XLSM.
- Our website was hacked!
No it wasn’t. You managed to pick up some redirect Trojan though.
- Can I disable the nightly backup script? It is annoying.
No.
- I convinced my boss nightly backup is hurting my productivity.
Ok, but you are responsible for backing up your work from now on.
- My stuff isn’t backed up automatically anymore, WTF? I lost work!
Automated backup script has been re-enabled.
- What’s a good home theater system for my living room?
Not an IT issue. Also, I wouldn’t know.
- Can I use that TeamViewer software to spy on my girlfriend without her knowing?
No. Also, you are a terrible person.
- When I shake my laptop really hard it freezes on me.
Stop shaking it.
- I gave my work laptop to my two year old to play with, despite you warning me not to do that and now the computer is completely destroyed. Can I haz new?
ಠ_ಠ
- I opened up the laptop and I tried to jam this random memory module I found into some card slot on the motherboard. It wouldn’t fit so I forced in but it still won’t work. Also, second completely unrelated issue: laptop won’t boot up now.
Yep, completely unrelated.
- Is it a virus?
Still no.
Illegal Disclaimer: please do not use this for training manuals! If you do, may blog have Marcy on your soles.
Awesome. Re-shar’d.
hahaha, love it!
Did they never tell you? DON’T BLINK!
Hard too believe some people actually asked for some of those though ;)
What percentage of tickets do you estimate qualifies for being included in a list like this? Is this like a 1 in 10 sort of thing? Worse than that? Better than that?
heheh thanks for the chuckles.
The joys of working at a help desk, almost as fun as trying to find someone at the help desk who knows what you’re talking about when you ask a question that isn’t on the reference card.
Holy shit, Luke- that was funny as hell. Your very accurate portrayal of language and grammar were SPOT ON.
Fantastic job, man.
“I left my laptop at your desk 20 minutes ago, it’s the black one, did you fix it?”
As a security person, I lament #1 & 100.
It’s usually a virus. And it usually came with I CAN HAZ GAME CRACK or I FOUND THIS COOL TOOLBAR THAT…?!
Great list. Stories of my life. If only I could say “no” as often as you do. =)
Thoroughly entertaining. I hope you keep posting more of this stuff!
People are so funny.
I like how everyone likes this article, but sadly, they’re the ones who ask/do this nonsense.
First off…you sir…are fucking awesome. Second I once had someone ask me to fix their computer when I was doing telephone tech support for an ISP. The first thing i always asked…what kind of windows do you have…usually followed up with how do i tell that. But this particular woman answered.”The kind that slide open sideways.Oh and the one in the bathroom is painted shut…does that help?” Followed by my stunned silence trying to figure out if she was joking. She was not. I weep for her inevitable and unplanned children. I then answered”Sure why not…what kind of couch do you have?”
How does that fix my computer?
How does knowing what kind of windows in your house fix your computer?
OMG!(yes she actually said the letters omg) I am so dumb…you mean windows on my computer!
I couldn’t agree more shall we continue?
OK!
It was all sort of downhill from there…turned out it was a microsoft problem anyway so i pawned her off on them. Sighs
Doing tech support for an ISP provider I was once routed an overflow sales call and someone asked me, “Do you have the latest version of the internet??”
My reply, “We always try and stay a few versions behind just to make sure they work out all the bugs first…!”
They still signed up for service because …”even though we were behind shirly we had better internets then their current provider AOL.”
I lolled in recognition several times…
I laughed so hard at the Windows 8 sequence.
That was seriously funny, thank you. I used to work on an IT helpdesk in the late 1980s and frequently felt homicidal towards our users. The ones who claimed their printer wasn’t working, even though it had paper and toner and was switched on. I’d physically trudge over there and find that no, it wasn’t switched on (internal dialogue: you silly cow, too lazy to get up from your desk and check for yourself, in case you broke one of your artificial nails – gaaaaah, I must leave this job). Or the ones claiming their terminal wasn’t working, everything was black because the previous day they’d complained the screen was too bright and they’d turned down the brightness completely.
Every real-life help desk interaction I’ve actually had:
I have a legitimate issue but you assume I’m an idiot, so you forced me to reboot the laptop, router, and modem even though I told you I already did. Now that everything is finally running again, shockingly, I’m still having the original problem.
I’m going to assume you’ve just been on Facebook for the last 5 minutes. Unplug the router and modem for 30 seconds and restart the laptop.
I’m just kidding, this is a great list.
Love it how highly paid techs think that everyone especially the ones paying their bills are morons. Perhaps a view from management side might even things up.
1. Are you a fat lazy bastard who thinks they know everything. Yes
2. Is you desk an absolute site with food crumbs everywhere. Yes
3. Is the first solution to every problem turn the computer off and on again. Yes
4. Can you actually show anyone how to fix the minor problems themselves. No
5. Do i have to call help desk every five minutes to get you to log on to authorise random updates, yes
6. Do you really want me to write down my password when i hand my laptop into the junior tech for an upgrade, yes
7. Are 23 characters really required for a password that expires every 21 days, wtf are you bastards thinking
8. Why cant the new consultant utilise the guest network, lol he is designing our new client management system after all, morons
9. you do know we are a not for profit with absolutley no secret information on our servers. Lol morons
10. Wear some deoderant you ball scratching layabouts…yes you nerds
@ FX:
Issue #84832 assigned to Luke – Angels have the phone box.
@ Chris Wellons:
Fortunately things like this tend to be exceptions, but you do remember them more. The good users never call, and when they do it’s usually something routine, or a complete hardware failure and their tickets get opened and closed instantly. It’s the problem users that you get to know really, really well and you remember their tickets forever because of the sheer mental anguish they inflict on you. :P
@ Morghan:
Yeah, I especially love the “I can’t actually resolve your issue because I don’t actually work for the company – our job in the call center is to deflect support requests until warranty runs out” type scenario.
@ Torbeni:
What kind of computer do you have? “A black one” :P Actually, hat’s typically how I respond when people ask me what car I drive just so I can say “aaand now you know how I feel”.
@ Dave:
Unfortunately saying no doesn’t work. Every time you say no, they just go around your back to a manager and make it a yes. Then you get in trouble twice: first time for denying the request, then later for the disastrous fallback when the request was granted from on top and user managed to do damage with it. :P
@ Lisa Marie:
Lol, I thought this was one of those urban legend ones. Like the guy who couldn’t find the “any key”.
@ Jeff:
Our internet comes on a CD.
@ IreneH:
Yeah, that’s like the users who swear up and down that the computer is on. You walk up there, only to realize they don’t realize the actual computer is in the “box” under their desk, and they have been patently pushing the ON/OFF button on their monitor. :P
@ Stutz:
Yeah, it’s unfortunate but I think a lot of the places with set script actually insist you perform a power cycle step while on the phone just to weed out easy to fix issues. It ensures that you don’t spend 20 minutes troubleshooting something that could have been resolved by a reboot in the cases when user lied about trying it (or thought he rebooted but instead just power-cycled the monitor thinking that will do it).
@ Aaron:
Wow, bitter much? If your IT is so shitty why don’t you hire better people? Or at the very least try to train and motivate them properly? I mean, seriously – out job is to keep the machines running and prevent the employees from breaking or sabotaging them for whatever reason – your job is to manage people, shape the corporate culture and make sure everyone is happy and efficient. If your IT department is an absolute train-wreck then that is definitely a problem that a manager is paid to resolve.
Few points:
1. Employees should be evaluated on performance and professionalism – not based on appearance, body type, etc.. It concerns me that you consider overweight people as somehow less fit for a white collar office job.
2. This is a management issue. Food should be banned in IT work area as a rule. If no such rule is in place it is a managers fault.
3. Surprising number of problems gets solved by a reboot / power cycle. It is a vital step that brings the machine up in a clean state and helps you isolate issue. If you don’t start by doing that, chances are you might be wasting time.
4. Once again, this is a management issue. User education should be one of the chief goals of the IT department and there should be support for it from up top. If the techs are evaluated on performance, told to close out tickets quickly and get people off the phone as fast as possible, then they won’t waste time explaining the issue – they’ll just fix it.
5. Updates should be centralized and pushed out. Your IT group is doing it wrong. Again, probably miss-managed.
6. This should never, ever happen. If they have to log in as admin to authorize your updates, then they shouldn’t need your password. If junior tech tasked with builds doesn’t have admin then this is a clussterfuck of bad management and stupid.
7. Pass phrases dude. Most my passwords for online services are 20-30 characters or longer. The 20 day expiration seems excessive and counter productive though. I’d probably swap it out with two factor.
8. That genuinely seems like a management issue as well. Granting a non-employee access to on-premise services is always a little shaky issue. If you grant them access and then it turns out you shouldn’t have, you are in shit-ton of trouble. Just like everyone else, IT folks like to cover their ass and avoid taking career ending risks whenever possible. Especially when said risks involve helping out mildly inconvenienced outside contractors.
9. False: you most likely have a lot of information about your employees: their social security numbers, addresses, financial information and etc. Regardless of how open the company is about it’s finances and internal procedures, the private, sensitive information on the people you employ MUST be protected (by law). So security procedures are there so Joe Internet doesn’t just download your identity from your company server and go shopping. Also, you probably also don’t want Joe Internet defacing your company website just because he can, no?
10. Can’t help to think this might also be a corporate culture / management failure. If there is anyone at the company who might be at the liberty of discussing personal hygiene issues vs dress code and professional conduct code it would be a manager.
Brilliant, emailed it to the helpdesk guy at my company
Excellent response to Aaron. @ Luke Maciak:
@ Aaron:
I’m going to skip over the items that are just plain insults, which are most of them, and get to the point. I don’t know your IT folks or their practices, but I’ll throw a few things out there.
First, rebooting fixes most problems, so it’s always a good place to start. And the tech on the other end of the line has no way of knowing if you rebooted or just told him you did. It happens a lot because people just assume that rebooting won’t solve the problem, so they lie about having done it.
Can a tech teach you how to fix minor problems? Sure, as long as you don’t get admin rights in the process. Because the tech has no way to know what you’ll do with those rights, like maybe installing this nifty program/game/screensaver you found somewhere. And as far as having to get the tech to log in to complete updates, again, no, they aren’t going to give you admin rights. If you want to blame someone, blame Microsoft for the way Windows handles updates. I manage a few computers at work, and I hate the idea of having to run around to log in as admin to update Windows or this or that program. But you know what I hate more? Having to run around undoing all the damage that users with admin rights would do.
No, you shouldn’t have to write down your password for someone except under exceptional circumstances, but bear in mind that, even without your password, if they have full admin rights to that machine, they can still see all your data if they want to.
I can’t comment on how necessary long passwords are, although I’ve never once seen a requirement like this. Having said that, if the information or system is sensitive enough, then yes, a long password is a good idea. Give me enough information about someone, and there’s a good chance I can guess their password. That’s bad security.
Did you tell IT why this consultant needs access? It doesn’t matter what they are doing for the company; what matters is if that task requires the level of access you’re asking for.
Finally, I’m assuming that you’re questioning why a nonprofit needs tight server security when there’s no secret information on the server. Because, if there’s no security, then users can place whatever they want on the server, and, if you allow that, sensitive data WILL find its way onto it. Maybe someone will think it’s convenient to place a folder with some financial info up there so they can access it from more than one machine. And you may not even know about it being there. And, even if there’s no sensitive info up there, there is information there. With no security, someone can come along and just wipe it, intentionally or accidentally. Are you going to be the person to go in and fix it, without asking for any help from IT? I seriously doubt it.
Oh, and given your insults, I doubt IT thinks any more highly of you than you think of them. Maybe that’s why they seem so unhelpful.
This was great! Unfortunately, I could see the faces of users at my job swimming lazily through my head as I read on this page some of the things that they have said to me. Fortunately, we’ve been doing much better at expectation management and user education, so some of them are actually picking up on a few of the simpler things. It’s gotten to the point that we can even trust some of them that when they say they rebooted their computer, they actually did.
I recall once a user brought their laptop in because the picture on the monitor was vibrating and there were several lines of garbled color on the bottom. Then when I actually saw the computer, it looked like it had been through hell and back: coated in dents and scratches, screws missing…it was a miracle the thing powered on at all. It just baffles me that some people just don’t know how to take care of their equipment. Protip: just because you can toss a wrench on a table or bang it against a doorway and it still works doesn’t mean a laptop is as durable.
@ Luke Maciak:
Spot on, my friend, I just hope he sticks around to read your reply!
I was crying laughing. “I convinced by boss-” my hubby (IT helpdesk) bitches about this every week. No. 55 happened not too long ago. Nailed it, sir :)
Help, government is reading my email!
No it doesn’t.Yep. :(… my favourite
This is great!!!
@ Tisi:
Weeeell, if you have proper corporate antivirus that runs nightly and your group policy locked down so that nothing can be installed without admin pwd, and web filters that block users from visiting harmful websites, then no, usually it’s not a virus. If you’re loosy goosy with your workstations, group policy, and general information security, then yes, you have a virus loose in your network. Also, you’re a terrible admin.
This was great! Thank you. And this is EXACTLY why I am forever grateful and indebted to the poor people who worked at my ISPs help desk when I first started learning and was completely “self” taught. They should have shot me. It’s also why I went and got my IT degree but swore I would never ever work a help desk… because I would shoot people. ;) ಠ_ಠ
@ Erich:
Antivirus?
We had a nightly restore to a clean image.
The only problem I ever noticed were those who never seemed to get that the “disk” would be wiped of all personal data every night and all their files must be saved to a floppy or thumb drive.
We did have a blacklist though.
101. Need “All Employees” distribution list just like the regular one, all 3000 employees, except without these 45 people who live out of state because their managers don’t have the spine to tell them that they’re not invited to the company holiday party. Need that 15 minutes from now. K?
You really think technology will fix your people problem, HR wonk?
@ Aaron:
lolol Aaron, talk to us like that in real life and we’ll show your wife where you hide your porn. Including the one with goats.
High schools can be very, very painful when working at the Help Desk.
Though one amusing experience was a teacher created a quiz slideshow on sex, consenting and safe sex. The slides were poorly set up and wouldn’t go where needed when selected, so we had to go through each slide and answer, properly setting them up.
Fun to mess around with the students at points though.
Here’s a priceless quote from a favorite client of mine, concerning one of his own employees: “You can make something fool proof, but you can’t make it damn-fool proof!”
oh man for those of you who didn’t find this funny I say to you “lighten up francis” it is very funny and I can say I probably at one time or another said some pretty dumb things to my IT guy. So I am not only laughing along with you but at myself too.
thank you,
Dawn
Yep, this just went up outside my cube :D
A few days ago a family member brought me a netbook to repair. I turned it on and commented, “This won’t even start Windows”. Reply: “I don’t use Windows, I use eBay”.
So many times I have been asked questions just like these. Thank you for giving me a good chuckle!
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i think this list should gave more pst and dl related stories. i find these the most annoying ones :)
Although I will admit that I have heard a lot of these at one point or another, most of the people I work with understand the reasons for something denied them or something gone wrong when explained in a friendly manner.
We all have different interests and skills and I work with incredibly smart people, all who have skills and knowledge in other areas of business, that I can’t even begin to fathom. My job is to make sure that these people can do theirs in the easiest and best way possible.
I will say that the disdain Aaron shows for IT people is very ignorant and frankly he is very much an ass. Fat nerds in basements? Seriously? Grow up. This sounds like a 16 year old kid and not someone in management or any kind of higher position in any business.
Another thing is number 1 and 100. Hit right on the spot. Sometimes it is a virus but if you look around the internet or ask someone who would like to pretend to know of IT, then 99% of any issue is virus related. It has become everyones favorite non-answer on forums.