Superman Sucks!


I just saw the new Superman movie.

Let me preface this post by saying that I was never a big Superman fan. I never followed the comic book, and I barely remember anything from the previous movies about the Man of Steel. I saw few episodes of Smallvile, but I didn’t pay much attention when Kristing Kreuk was not on the screen. As far as I know that stuff is not canon anyway.

Why did I go to see this movie then? I don’t know. Peer pressure I guess.

I think the movie sucked. If you haven’t seen the movie, stop reading now, because I will post spoilers below.

The plot made no sense whatsoever. Lex Luthor’s evil plan was to create a new continent using the crystals from the fortress of solitude. WTF?

Superman has a son? Double WTF? You are telling me that a Kryptonian DNA is different enough from human to give Clark Kent super powers, but close enough to actually reproduce? Although the kid looked kinda frail with his asthma and stuff. Maybe he is indeed a sterile and weak mule.

I’m not even going to mention the fact that sex with Superman may actually be quite difficult from technical point of view.

The whole plot was predictable. Lex Luthor does something bad. Lois gets herself kidnapped and Superman has to rescue her. Lex has kryptonite, so he ends up beating the shit out of the man of steel. Superman recovers and wins. End of story. Bleh…

Lex Luthor is the dumbest villain ever. He actually gets to stab Superman with a kryptonite shard in this movie. If you were Lex, and you had Superman cornered on an island made of Kryptonite, would you:

A – shoot him in the head, chop his head off and bury his body under few feet of kryptonite rocks
B – have your thugs rough him up for a bit, stab him in the side with a kryptonite shard, and let him escape

The movie opted for plan B, which made about as much sense as sharks with laser beams on their heads :P

Clark and Lois had zero chemistry, and the dialog between them seemed wooden. If the writers intended these two to be super awkward, and un-emotional around each other, then they did an excellent job.

I was also very intrigued by the fact that Superman’s costume did not rip when he was shot with this huge machine gun that essentially blasted police cars to pieces. But when Lex stabs him with Kryptonite, the suit rips easily. Does his suit have super power too? Is it some sort of Krypton cloth? Cause if it’s not, then this is lame.

There was one cool scene in the movie though – it was the bullet bouncing off Supermans eye. That was awesome. Rest of the film is total crap!

Here is the breakdown on my super scientific script writer monkey scale:

TOTAL SCORE: -2 banana (base 3)

+1 banana bullet bouncing of the eye = cool
-1 banana very predictable plot
-1 banana lame evil plan
-1 banana inter species breeding is stupid
-1 banana indestructible costume
-1 banana zero Lois and Clark chemistry
-1 banana Lex is stupid for not killing Superman when he had a chance
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4 Responses to Superman Sucks!

  1. Well, I haven’t seen it yet but I felt compelled to read your post anyway. Thanks for the spoilers!

    I’m always shocked at how script writers back themselves into corners only to get out with a really dumb and unrealistic plot twist. You’d think they were writing the thing on the fly with the director standing over their shoulder and the actors waiting for their lines!

    As for the cloth, yes, it is from Krypton and thus it doesn’t tear. It was introduced in the 40s as a way to explain why his clothes survived all the stuff he went through. Heh, I saw that in a Superman documentary on the Discovery Channel a couple of days ago. :-)

    BTW, ever consider using the hReview Microformat for your reviews? You can even use the hReview Creator to do it :-).

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  2. Luke UNITED STATES Mozilla Firefox Windows says:

    Hmm, hReview thing sounds intriguing. I might give it a try :)

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  3. ctcentralinfo UNITED STATES Mozilla Firefox Windows says:

    The reason superman’s suit doesn’t rip is because his body produces a field that makes him invulnerable, but yeah the movie sucked ass.

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  4. Eternal blaze UNITED STATES Internet Explorer Windows says:

    Well if you think about it that is the legacy of superman for the most part lois gets kidnapped he goes and saves her the villian some how bull shits his way in finding kryptonite yaddiyaddiyadda

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