Let’s Patent Conjugation!

You know, I had this idea the other day to take something that is absolutely trivial and commonplace and then file for a [tag]patent[/tag] and make big monies (yes, monies is the proper term to use when you mean mad, crazy money)! But then I realized that almost everything has been patented already.

For example [tag]Microsoft[/tag] just applied for a [tag]patent for conjugating verbs[/tag]. Yes, I know what you think – this can’t be possible. There is no way they would allow them to patent that! But you see, Microsoft is smart – they switch it up a little to make it all new and innovative. Here, let me show you how you do this:

  1. Take a commonplace activity like [tag]conjugating verbs[/tag]
  2. Put the words [tag]Method and System for[/tag] in front of it
  3. Add some random verbiage in the middle to confuse the reader – words like selecting, manipulating or processing are good choices
  4. Put it all together and you have a brand new technology: Method and System for selecting and conjugating verbs
  5. Now hire a tehno-babble dude to write a very verbose description of the system. I find that unemployed Startrek writers are excellent for this
  6. Hire a lawyer to translate all of this to lawyer-speak (this weird language is an very complex composite of English, Latin and Stupid).
  7. File for a patent
  8. ???
  9. Profit!

Where is the [tag]innovation[/tag] here you ask? There is none! That is the beauty of the US [tag]patent system[/tag]. You don’t have to innovate anything to get an exclusive right to produce it. Hell, you can even take something that your competitor was doing for the last decade, then follow the steps above, get a patent and sue them out of business.

You see boys and girls, in America we have the [tag]patent law[/tag] to prevent small startups or little Mom and Pop shops from getting popular and stealing spotlight from the nice big corporations. If we had no software patents, how would the corporate giants survive if just anyone could write and sell high quality, innovative software? They must be able to either buy, threaten or sue the little guys to force them out of the market. Otherwise they would actually have to compete with them, and improve their products. And no one wants that! Especially the consumer!

Consumers want the same old shitty software being re-released every few months without any improvements but with a shiny new GUI. And they also want less features, and more DRM. But I digress.

The point is – please go and write your representatives telling them that the software patent law is just right, and that we actually need to make it easier for big companies to patent stupid shit, and make it near impossible for individuals to do the same. Cause we, as a nation, sure as hell do not want to see any software related innovation happening in the next few years.

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2 Responses to Let’s Patent Conjugation!

  1. Matt UNITED KINGDOM Mozilla Firefox Windows Terminalist says:

    On the linked page there was a bit:

    “Microsoft officials have equated patents with innovation. In July 2004, Chairman Bill Gates said that “over the next year, Microsoft will file for more than 3,000 patents—up very dramatically—and make us one of the top companies in the world in terms of innovative activities.”

    This is slightly disturbing, more patents does not in any way represent more innovation if theyre all for existing things but done with a computer

    Did you know that no-one can put minigames in the loading screen of a video game because of patent law? :x

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  2. Luke UNITED STATES Mozilla Firefox Windows says:

    Now that you mention it, I think that I read about this somewhere a while back. I think this is a prime example of how patent law not only inhibit innovation but also lowers quality of currently marketed products by prohibiting improvements in design. Sigh…

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