I propose a new rule: George Lucas is no longer allowed to write or direct any movies, and any creative input he has on any production he is funding needs to be approved by someone who is not senile.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Suck is a new low for the series. If you thought that after the next installment of the series could not possibly be worse than The Temple of Doom, oh boy, you are in for a ride brother. George Lucas outdid himself this time, and managed to make a movie that is not only silly, improbable, over the top, and infantile but also disjointed and incoherent.
At least in the Star Wars prequels he made some small attempts to create some sort of a plot continuity – with little success of course, but he tried. In retrospect perhaps, what little continuity was there in these three horrible movies that raped my childhood, were influenced by the natural constraints of making a prequel. The story had to lead to a logical conclusion that would set up the events we knew from the original trilogy. And the Star Wars universe was already fairly well fleshed out and established so he had only so much wiggle room.
In Indiana Jones all the common sense and continuity concerns don’t seem to exist. I really think that the way Lucas writes movies these days is by jotting down notes for random special effects sequences. Once he has these set pieces, chase scenes, explosions and stunts done, he writes bunch of segways that loosely connect them.
But don’t take my word for it. I will tell you some of the components that create the swirling vortex of suck that is The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and you can tell me whether or not it is stupid and infantile. And no, these are not spoilers. I’m not going to reveal how these elements are worked into the story, or what is their significance. I will just list them here. I don’t think I will reveal any plot twists by doing this because to have a twist, first you need to have a plot and as we established this movie has none.
But if you really paranoid about spoilers, just skip the list and go to the end of the post.
The following elements can be found in this movie:
- CGI prairie dogs that look as if they are about to break into a song
- Silly Russian accents
- Lady Galadriel in a ridiculous wig:
- Experimental Jet engine
- Nuclear explosion
- Indiana Jones surviving nuclear explosion by hiding in a refrigerator
- The Jannitor From Scrubs
- This guy:
- Roswell UFO crash conspiracy
- Alien corpse
- “Luke, I am your father” scene
- A car chase in a warehouse
- The Ark of Covenant
- A motorcycle chase in a library
- Indy is still afraid of snakes
- A car chase in the jungle
- Sword fighting while standing on two speeding jeeps parallel to each other
- CGI Monkeys beat up bad guys
- CGI killer ants eat the bad guys
- Indy beats up guys who are like 10 times younger and 10 times bigger than him:
- Driving off a cliff onto a tree which then gently lowers the car to the ground and then snaps back and kills some bad guys
- Mind reading
- El Dorado
- Savages with blow darts
- Savages with slings
- Savages with spears:
- A greedy guy stays behind to collect treasure as everything collapses around him
- Oh no, this shrine is really a flying saucer
- Actually these are not space aliens, they are extra-planar aliens
- Hi, I know I was insane, and incoherent for all the movie but I just got better and I’m fine now
- Galadriel gets “exactly what she was asking for” and it ain’t pretty
- Incredibly cheesy happy ending
Now tell me, do you think all these things should be put in a single movie? I didn’t even tell you about the atrocious, crippled plot – but just look at the above, and tell me if there is any possible way to write a coherent, engaging and intelligent story that ties all these components together in a meaningful way?
The script of this movie has as much finesse, and subtlety as the script to Scary Movie 4. Bad film making doesn’t even cut it. If I was Steven Spielberg I would request that my name was removed from the credits of this piece of shit, and then deny up and down that I had any involvement with it.
In the end, I kinda feel bad for poor Harrison Ford. This was supposed to be his big comeback into the action movie genre. This was supposed to be a return to one of his most memorable characters (other than Han Solo of course). But instead a great comeback, he gets thrown into this horribly embarrassing mess of contradicting plot elements, paper thin characters and crazy space alien bullshit.
I really wasn’t expecting much from this movie. I know George Lucas is going through some weird stage where he insists on completely destroying all the good movies he made in the past. But I kinda hoped that perhaps Steven Spielberg and the other 4 people on the writing team will inject some sanity and common sense to this project. I was mistaken. This is possibly worst movie George Lucas has written so far.
[tags]indiana jones, harrison ford, steven spielberg, kindgdom of the crystal skull[/tags]