The Windows 7 FAQ: Stop Asking This Crap

Why do people keep asking me about Windows 7. I don’t care about it. I really don’t! And yet, somehow everyone I meed somehow assumes that the term software developer means no more and no less than guy who knows stuff about Windows 7. I have no clue how people come at this conclusion especially since I usually code in Java, PHP, Perl and Python. How do you get Windows out of that equation is a mystery to me.

Not only that, but I am clearly not an early adopter. I am a late adopter if there is such a thing. I’m the guy who was still running WordPress 2.0.5 in April 2009. Remember that? Yes, that’s how bad I am.

In fact, I would still be running Windows XP on my main gaming box if the hardware did not become so obsolete that it spontaneously fossilized under my desk. My current gaming box has Vista on it, but only because I came with the hardware and I was to lazy to do anything about it.

You want to ask me about upgrading anything? You’ve got a wrong guy.

Unfortunately most people don’t get this. In fact, most people who ask me about Windows 7 can’t possibly comprehend that spiel above because they simply don’t understand terms such as early adopter, wordpress or fossilization. I figured I might as well use this entry to answer the most frequently asked questions I get in my inbox and IRL.

Maybe this will answer some of your burning Windows 7 questions. Or maybe you can emails this to some of your clueless friends/relatives who keep bothering you with these questions every day.

When is Windows 7 coming out?

Do I look like I care? Do you know how to google? Let me google that for you. How hard was that? For your information, it came out last week. You missed it! You know why you missed it? Because it is not something note worthy. Now piss off.

Is Windows 7 Better than Vista?

Probably. I mean, Windows XP is better than Vista. Hell, Windows 2000 is better than Vista. Sitting on an angry porcupine while being hit in the face with a putrid piece of shit spiked with sharpened nails that was shot out of a cannon and is flying at Mach 3 is better than Vista. I can’t imagine Microsoft actually being able to top Vista when it comes to how badly it sucks. Then again, I have been wrong about them in the past. In fact, every time I gave them the benefit of the doubt and assumed that they will do something right, they went ahead and did the exact opposite.

Here is the deal – the crazy people who actually got this OS this early seem to think it is an improvement over Vista. Then again these people are likely Microsoft fanboys (why else would they get the new OS so close to the release date) so their opinions should be taken with a grain barrel of salt.

Should I upgrade?

No you should not. Wait till Microsoft releases Service Pack 1, then buy a new computer. Windows 7 will be included. If you don’t like this answer go ask someone else. I don’t care how good this new OS is. It can be printing hundred dollar bills for all I care. My position still stands. Don’t. There will be bugs, there will be driver issues, and there will be upgrade hiccups to worry about. The fact you are asking me about this tells me you are not a computer whiz, so if something goes wrong, you will be fucked cause I sure as hell am not helping you out.

Not reason enough for you? How about this – it’s a waste of money. You see, Microsoft is an evil bastard company that forces computer manufacturers to install their OS on every single piece of hardware they sell. This means that a year or two from now, when you are buying a new computer you will have to buy Windows 7 again.

No, I’m not shitting you. Remember that time I was ranting about the “Windows Tax” and you thought I’m just being a retarded open source loon? Yeah, that’s what Windows tax is. It means that Dell (for example) won’t give a flying fuck that you already have a copy of Windows 7 at home. Windows is part of their bundle, and they won’t take it out. Unless of course you can find the tiny hidden link to their Linux based model – but that narrows down your choices quite a bit.

Also, if you buy an OEM version bundled with the computer you will be paying much, much less. Microsoft basically discounts their OS down to fraction of the retail price to make sure that it ends up on every single piece of fucking hardware sold in the world. Don’t waste your money.

But I hate Vista! Should I Upgrade?

No. You should suck it up, and listen to me next time you are buying a computer. What did I tell you about Vista last time around? It’s a piece of shit. What did you do? You went and bought it. This is your punishment for not listening to me.

Actually, I don’t care. Go ahead and upgrade. Just make sure you back up all your data befo… Oh, what? You don’t want to upgrade anymore? You are scared now? All I said was to backup your data. If you want to upgrade your OS, you should be prepared to have your system hosed. I’m not saying it will get hosed – I’m saying shit happens.

And don’t come running to me when you fuck shit up. You know what I’m going to do if you come to me crying that Window 7 ate your hard drive? I’m going to hire Verne Troyer to Shoryuken you straight in the dick. And no, I’m not joking.

Will Windows 7 run on my computer?

It won’t even if it will. Let me put it this way – if you are asking me about this, it means you are to dumb to look up your system specs, google up Windows 7 requirements and do a quick comparison. If you can’t perform a simple task like that, you should not even be considering an upgrade. You should go and buy a computer with Windows 7 already installed whenever it’s time for you to get a new machine.

If you can check this information, then why the fuck are you bothering me with this shit?

Ok, here is the real answer: if you are running Windows XP right now, then no, it won’t run. If you are running Vista and it is sluggish as hell, then Windows 7 will also be sluggish as hell. The new OS is allegedly faster but it still has Vista guts under the hood so it won’t make your machine into a speed daemon.

If your current box is an evil beast from hell that can actually run Vista reasonably fast hen yes, Windows 7 will run on your system and you will probably see some performance gains (assuming the reports about the speed are true). Still, you will be wasting a lot of money due to the Windows tax.

Will you install Windows 7 on my computer?

Absolutely, categorically no. Hell no, fuck no, no to the tenth power. No infinity. Fuck you! Fuck your dog! Fuck the horse you rode in on. No. I have better shit to do than this.

Unless… Unless you are a girl and when you use the voice when asking me. I will then invariably assume that you are somehow inexplicably into me, and that upgrading your OS is my ticket into your good graces. Now you know my weakness so don’t abuse it.

Keep this in mind though: if you give your computer to your girlfriend, and attempt to have her sex me into installing Windows 7 for you and I figure you out then its Verne Troyer + Shoryuken + your testicles – when you least expect it.

That’s all I have for today. If you want to add to this FAQ please post your questions and answers in the comments. If you are a Microsoft fanboy who found this whole post incredibly offensive, and who is planning to call me a fag in the comments, please note hat a) I moderate this shit, b) you should look into obtaining a sense of humor and c) your post will have your IP attached to it. You know what that means right? I can use that IP to find out where you live. And then… Verne Troyer, Shoryuken, etc.. So keep it civil.

This entry was posted in geek humor and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.



11 Responses to The Windows 7 FAQ: Stop Asking This Crap

  1. So, should I upgrade to Ubuntu 9.10?

    *dusck and runs away*

    I actually just clicked on the “Upgrade to 9.10″ button. I hear Ubuntu is one of the few that actually got upgrades to work properly.

    Reply  |  Quote
  2. Luke Maciak UNITED STATES Mozilla Firefox Linux Terminalist says:

    Craig A. Betts wrote:

    So, should I upgrade to Ubuntu 9.10?

    Surprisingly enough the answer to this is YES. I mean, all you need to do is to press a button to get the wide range of benefits including new software, security updates and etc. Ubuntu is a whole different animal. :)

    Reply  |  Quote
  3. Rob UNITED STATES Mozilla Firefox Windows Terminalist says:

    But is Vista worse than ME? I kind of think ME is the king of Microsoft’s OS failures. I mean, I think I was reinstalling Windows ME at least once a week for a while there because it kept failing. All I kept thinking was “I upgraded from 95 for THIS?”

    I did upgrade to Windows 7 though and have to say I enjoy it much more than I did Vista. However you’re still right on everything you said. Most people don’t need to upgrade until they buy a new computer and should wait until SP1 comes out. Let us early adopters get all the kinks worked out. One of the only reasons I did it though was because I have a custom rig that can handle it and I got in on the $50 pre-sale back in the summer. I’m also getting a free upgrade from Dell for my recently purchased laptop.

    On that note, I think I want to dual boot my laptop once I get the upgrade disc from Dell with Ubuntu 9.10. :)

    Reply  |  Quote
  4. StuartB UNITED STATES Mozilla Firefox Mac OS says:

    Fucking brilliant.

    Could you thrice partition my Macbook Pro and put OS X, XP, and Win7 on there for me?

    No?

    Cool.

    Reply  |  Quote
  5. Alphast NETHERLANDS Mozilla Firefox Windows Terminalist says:

    I am sticking to this stupid piece of shit that is Vista. Reason number 1: I don’t want to pay for stuff which should be free. Reason number 2: there are enough morons out there who will crash-test Winddoh’s 7 for me. Reason number 3: my machine is good enough to run Vista without major hiccups, so why bother (ok, the network group issue is a famous pain in the arse, but that’s not worth all the money I don’t have to buy the Win7 upgrade). Reason number 4: why should I reward evil morons living in cold and wet Seattle that I don’t even know?

    Reply  |  Quote
  6. Jereme Kramer UNITED STATES Kazehakase Fedora Linux says:

    My school offers me 7′s professional edition for free, so I decided to try it on my ancient Dell laptop that I have around for just such things. Despite getting a Windows experience rating of 1, it ran without a problem for the whole hour I spent trying to find a wireless driver. I’d run it on my new macbook, but XP gets along much more nicely with VirtualBox, and I really rather not go through the headache of trying to make this machine a triple boot.

    The question I keep getting is “Is Windows 7 better than XP/Linux/Snow Leopard?”
    I usually google up some benchmarks, show the conflicting speed results, and say that apples are inherently better than oranges.

    Reply  |  Quote
  7. Luke Maciak UNITED STATES Mozilla Firefox Windows Terminalist says:

    Jereme Kramer wrote:

    say that apples are inherently better than oranges.

    Exactly. Asking whether Windows is better than Linux/Mac/Unix is like asking whether Republicans are better than Democrats or if Emacs is better than Vi. It depends what you want to achieve, what are your priorities and who you talk to. :)

    Reply  |  Quote
  8. Luke Maciak UNITED STATES Mozilla Firefox Windows Terminalist says:

    Rob wrote:

    But is Vista worse than ME?

    Nope. Vista is the new ME, but I don’t think it actually tops it. I still have no clue how could they make it so bad. Windows 98 was somewhat stable, and windows 2000 was pretty much rock solid. ME on the other hand would BSOD and then hose the whole installation if you looked at it wrong.

    I’ve been running Vista for a few months and while more problematic than XP it is nowhere near as bad as ME.

    Reply  |  Quote
  9. Hector SPAIN Mozilla Firefox Windows says:

    Windows ME was an experiment on programming ability: http://xkcd.com/323/

    Reply  |  Quote
  10. Dwayne Dibley AUSTRALIA Mozilla Firefox Windows says:

    So do you konw where the Any Key is on Windows 7, I got this thing that keeps popping up and asks me to press the any key. I figured you are one of these programmers that write those boxes, so you should know.

    Reply  |  Quote
  11. muyyaQ MALAYSIA Internet Explorer Windows says:

    woh. this is totally serious answer, but i wont explain to long. and yeah windows 7 is sucks more than vista.

    last time(4~5month ago) windows 7 malaysia try to provoke bussiness manager etc…to buy windows 7. i quickly comment/condemn on their fb page.

    Reply  |  Quote

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>